Experience it. Enjoy it. Just don't fall for it.

Cool line aint it..?? Well thats the tag line for the movie Almost Famous. I saw it once again this afternoon on TV. Two reasons why i love this movie, one is i love the song Tiny Dancer by Elton John. second, i love the way Hudson smiles..:D ok ok.. thats not the only reason.. i also love the movie for the way it portrays the tag line..

I mean, how many of us do exactly that.. we just fall for whatever we enjoy. I guess thats the emotional maturity we have. to be detached as morrie calls it would be of real aid here. but nay,, we all experience, enjoy and then invariably fall for it and there lies the big trouble. But then again is there a way of enjoying and experiencing things without falling for it?

Tuesdays with Morrie.. just finished the book. At the risk of sounding like a broken tape recorded that kinda repeats itself, i should say this is one of the good books i have read. Though i feel that Mitch Albon could have concentrated more on the teachings of Morrie than make us all mushy and feel sorry about Morrie himself. If you ask me, i think Mitch did not fully understand the lessons of Morrie... he has conceptualised the book from the lessons from Morrie but i doubt if he fully understood and practiced what Morrie spoke. Of course, there are a few things that Morrie talks about that are so not possible for one to let go..

In vedic way of life, they have this period of life which is called sanyas when one is supposed to let go of all worldly pleasures and attain nirvana.. some of morries thoughts are in that direction.. a life so ego less, so non materialistic, so tuned towards giving nothing but love and expect nothing in return.. i dont think i would be able to do that.. I have a dream, i have a vision of what i want to accomplish in life.. this is materialistic, morrie says its meaningless pursuit but is it meaningless? i want to create something, i love what i do at work..and the output makes me feel proud and happy.. isnt that a simple thing to expect and to satisfy ones ego with? If i let go of this.. what else will i do? just go around and be altruistic.. this is in total contrast to the book i am reading of Ayn Rand "the virtue of selfishness" ..Ayn rand talks about how one must do what he is good at cos that is his purpose in life and make money of it.. Thats is a rational thought.. but Morrie is more touchy feely..

However, one cannot dismiss the lessons each book has.. In Tuesdays with Morrie, i believe there are four main themes that would be really valuable.

1. Tension of Opposites - What is expected of one versus what one wants for himself.. isnt this a problem that we all face in our lifes? We are expected to make the choice that would determine what we want to do.. Ones own desires versus what one feels is expected of him from people whom he loves.. When do u draw a line and let go? is there a right answer to this ? its so subjective.. and one always tries to juggle things and at the end is so stretched and miserable..I honestly dont have an answer to this problem.. i have faced it at every decision of my life and am sure will face in the future as well..

2. Effect of Silence on us. This is something that has been on the back of my head for a long time.. I feel quite alarmed when there is a silence that interrupts a conversation. But again, me being afraid is probably because i feel threatened that silence is taking away something that has been existing there.. When u are having a conversation with someone.. u feel that the momentory silence means that other party has lost interest.. but maybe that moment of silence does have its purpose.. I should learn to detach.. its so tough to do i am sure... but atleast one must learn to accept the power of silence

3. Involved in life that you are living.. This is something that i have come across repeatedly.. I guess if one is not living life for today but rather for tomorrow, its useless. There is always this concept of Present Value of everything.. We all know money in hand is more valuable that money that will come in hand tomorrow. and tomorrow sometimes never comes and you end up losing the present as well as tomorrow.. well but thats life.. how much can i change this way of living i dont know..

4. Concept of Detachment.. This is something that has been preached by all philosphers.. right from Budha who said desire is the root cause of misery.. But how does one detach oneself from everything he has created and loves.. Its the fear of losing ones possessions that causes a lot of anxiety.. if one knows how to detach oneself there wont be anxiety.. but wud i love a life where i live with no expectations of a better tomorrow even when i have a good today.. i dont know.. maybe not..

All in all a book that has made me look at certain things from a new angle.. how much of a change this is gonna make in my life i dunno.. a few days, i might be back to my normal self.. maybe.. But maybe not.. its late and i gotta get to bed..

Back from Mumbai and feeling under the weather right now.. guess its the long days of meetings with not enough sleep thats the cos. well atleast i can say that without anyone raising any eyebrows. :) Saw this movie Master and Commander.. lousy movie.. i wonder how it got an oscar nomination.. there is no plot, nuthing that would make you sit on the edge of a seat and its not even like an epic..

Am reading this really cool book "Tuesdays with Morrie". Amazing book it is.. For once, i have not rushed through a book and i have taken the time to pause and think. dont ask me what i think about.. i guess its what they call the quarter life crisis when you are in your 20s and you try to figure out what the heck to do with life. I guess i might not live to be 100 ..well that incidentally would be my contribution to mankind.. releiving them of me much earlier.. so i should call it the 33 1/3 life crisis..assuming i will live up to 60...yeah rite..anyways.. getting back to the point.. The only other book that i spent reading this way was Alchemist by Paulo Coelho..

I got my hair cut this morning and when i went into the barber shop, i had some real strange looks.. man come on.. i do have some hair.. that needs trimming.. its not that i am like danny devito.. You know.. come to think of it.. I think hair loss is rather a symbol of mans evolution.. I mean, what the purpose of hair on a man's head.. you are not foraging in the forest or working in the sun for your scalp to be protected.. You can always wear a hat or cap. and most of us work in the office anyway.. so dont you think its rather an useless piece that we have on our heads.. haha..:D so actually i think all those who are experiencing hair loss are genetically advancing into the next stage of human evolution which should be good news..

Hella a lot of things to do tomorrow and hopefully will get some good time off over the weekend..

Feb 21, 2004 :

As i put on my seatbelt in the Malaysian airlines flight to Kuala Lampur, i heard the captian asking the flight crew to arm the doors.

The first time i flew, i was a baby less than an year old. My mom tells me that I apparently liked flying that i never cried in the flight.. see i was born with guts.:) But honestly, however hard i think, i just cant recollect my experiences of that journey. The journey was apparently from Aizawl in Mizoram, a state in the northeast of India to Calcutta in the old Vayudoot aircrafts which are twin engine propeller flights. Maybe, I would have been in the arms of my mom or in the cradle.. But knowing Indian safety standards during that era, i probably was safe in my moms or dads arms. I wish i had more information to share here but i just cant get it out of the depths of my nerve cells and so i let it go there. However, I am sure I must have definitely heard the captain announce over the speaker system requesting the flight crew to arm the doors.

I had to wait another 20 years before i took a flight of which i can remember something. This was from delhi to Pune and back. It was in 1997 and i was in delhi undergoing my internship at a company and i had this call from a college in Pune for an interview. I couldnt find anyway of reaching there and had to spend my poor dad's hard earned money in taking the flight to Pune. It was an Indian Airlines flight. I was quite fidgety about how this experience was going to be. I had this thing for motion sickness and i made sure that I had this bag within reach incase.. well luckily the journey was pleasant. And definitely the flight captain asked for the flight crew to arm the doors. I didnt understand what that phrase meant.. What do u mean by arming the doors. In flight, I walked to the door and took a look at the door. There was this big handle and a sign above with an arrow mark that said "this way to disarm the door". I didnt want to risk 200 lives and didnt touch the door. :) And i did not have the guts to ask the un friendly looking stewardess who was staring at me as though i have committed a cardinal sin in looking at the door as to what it meant. I am sure i would have been considered a prankster or worse, a terrorist and taken to questioning when the flight landed.

Sicne then i have taken off and landed around 40 times in the past 7 years in three different continents and in 10 different countries, not a huge achievement in its own right. But what i am driving at is each time i have heard the captain announce the call to arm the doors and i make a note to figure out what it means. However, like the other innumerable questions that lie inside my head, the answer is yet to be found. Well, One day, i will get the courage to ask the stewardess..a pretty one at that...

Feb 22 2004:

Travelling with someone who is visiting India for the first time has its advantages in itself. It helps you re discover your own country. and this is exactly what happenned to me today. I am travelling with this British professor and i have started to like mumbai when i saw myself answering tons of his questions and taking time to live mumbai the way it is..

Last night, we had to endure 1 hour at the airport in the midst of some mosquitos who found my blood to be too sweet to resist. I know.. I am such a nice/sweet guy arent i.. and the mosquitos just couldnt have enough.. guess they were in a trance and some of them were just smitten after the first bite.. hahaha.. well i had to endure the pain and so did my professor while we were waiting for my baggage to arrive on the conveyor. It finally stopped and i just couldnt find my bag.. Panic..panic..!!! but then i was hoping for a nice liability claim and new wardrobe courtesy malaysian airlines.. and then i see this other guy returning a suitcase that he mistook for his.. and lo behold it was mine.. Well i was having mixed emotions.. happy to get back my stuff while sad that i couldnt go shopping for new stuff.. well i cant have the cake and eat it too and so off we went to our rooms at the oberoi towers.

My professor is this real tall guy ..6.5 feet plus and the bombay cabs are like the old premier padmini models and he had a tough time sitting in them. but he took it cool and all the way he was asking me so many questions that i had to take notes and figure out answers.. I found out bombay is from "bon + bay" meaning good bay.. thats what the portugese named it apparently.. i am not sure how true this is.. I had a tough time explaining how you could see really cool buildings next to the shady slums.. how there were so many dogs on the streets along with some cows and goats.. and he was just taken in with the way we indians drive.. well I told him it was all the indian mysticism in action.. Arent i right ? :))

Sunday morning, we went to the gateway of india and man.. it was cool to stand in the place which i always wanted to visit a long time and never did for one reason or the other.. I then took my prof to the colaba vegetable market .. well he asked for it.... I had a tough time answering his questions.. well what can i do.. my brain was split into solving two problems at the same time.. you see.. i have to buy some cool stuff for someone i met and i aint sure what to get.. and my brain is working it out whenever it finds time and if its functioning.. while at the same time trying to find good answers for my profs questions... Its a tough life my brain...thats what i told it.. and its still working on it..

Its 9:00 PM now and i will post this blog tomorrow when i connect to the web. waiting for my pal to arrive so that we could hit the bar for a couple of drinks and maybe hit the night spots..

I got up this morning to an sms from a friend of mine. As per plan i was supposed to get up and go swimming. But then "life happenned" :-)) just kidding...pun definitely intended.. (refer previous post). Just one of those days when you dont feel like getting out of bed..was dreaming basically.. anyways...was late to work.. which is nothing unusual in my line of work anyway.. I keep reminding myself that i need to get a new job just for this sake.. there is too much freedom at work. coming back to the point, the day was quite rough and i got back home only at 9:30 PM. I come home only to find my washing machine experiencing a shut down.. my clothes were inside it and still wet and this door has got jammed and the machine wasnt working.. As all electronic gadgets have this reboot button.. i first tried that. switched the machine off and on.. But no.. it wasnt working.. then i had this brilliant idea of actually booting it but then my house mate walked in and showed me a new technique of getting it to run.. why cant things just work properly.. Anyway... after the successful restart, i went out for a nice evening jog through the streets of singapore on the west coast.

I mostly wont be blogging for a while now. Tomorrow looks like a heavy day.. Have an Interview with a consulting company.. Lets see how it goes..Got to pack for the trip tomorrow evening and so will have to get home and start pressing all my clothes..Friday should be a good day and i am off on saturday afternoon to mumbai.. I would be back in singapore next thursday and if i find time in mumbai will update my blog from there.. Till then adios..

For a change, work life has been busy and the best part is its been busy with no meetings. However, life isnt that rosy.. I have been actively preparing for the mumbai visit with my professor and have been calling up people in mumbai to set up meetings.. Maan.. work life is getting to be like going from one meeting to another.. Next monday to wednesday is going to be a riot in mumbai when we move from one meeting to another and from one building to another in the mumbai traffic.. I look forward to that.. its gonna be fun.. :-) I have just mailed my friend in mumbai to let me know where the cool spots are to hang out..

However, this time, i wont be visiting home and thats a little sad.. What can i do? not rich to own a helicopter that could charter me from mumbai to my parents house and back. The place they live in would take me like ages to reach and i cant afford to get the time off and visit them..I really feel bad about this and i know , there are 3 souls there who would be feeling the same way... Well one day, I hope my life would be what I dictate it to be.. you know that reminds me of this statement by John Lennon.."Life is what happens when you are busy planning" .. How so true.. We plan. we make more plans, we plan to create plans.. alrite i am exaggerating.. but isnt that what we do.. We plan, then change plans, we dream, we map out elaborate "what ifs" and "if this then this" kind of arrangements, we have all types of plans.. financial plans, career plans, retirement plans, marriage plans, well in my case thats a scary thought :-), travel plans, vacation plans, higher education plans, and how many times have plans worked out the way we plan them to.. Life just happens... and somethings happen so fast that it does not let us stop by and think...However, we still keep planning.. and then when it doesnt go according to plan, some of us lose heart, some of us get motivated, some of us like me become a psycopath writing blogs..:-) But time just flies by and life happens.. I am lucky that i realised this early enough and started living life instead of living in a perpetual tomorrow.. But on an everyday basis, I do see people who life on the Tomorrow, planning things out and missing on the present..

So off i go, to read Ayn Rand's "The Virtue of Selfishness". Incidentally, she is one of my favourite authors. I sometimes wonder if there would exist a world in which her philoshophy of objectivism would rule.. But its one extreme world that she dreams of and i dont think my type of guy can survive in that world.

Lazing around at home.. reading the book India Unbound by Gurucharan Das. I gave up on reading Zen and Art of Motorcycle maintenance for the time being.. the philosphy is too much to handle when i am going through a rough phase in life.. it gets to you sometimes.

For one, I am running the temperature again. I am not sure why i am getting sick regularly. This has been on and off since the new year. The temperature is like gets to me for a few hours and then its gone. my friends are calling it the blues..haha..as if..well I did some analysis and figured out that most times i got this temperature, the previous night i had had some alcohol.. so now i am going to try not to have alcohol for sometime.. let me see if this is the cure.

Another issue troubling my head is the issue of my career and life in general. Everytime i call home, my mom is like u are too old get married.. Even this morning she was like this and i had to change the topic...:-) For most indians, this is the usual mantra you hear from home.. I am kinda hiding behing my sister saying i will be the dutiful brother who will marry only after my sister gets married.. Let me see if this puts my parents off me for some time.. Else one of these days i might have to put my foot down and say stop paining me with this stuff.. I havent even re-established a career. I had a good job before the masters degree earning quite well but i gave it up cos i wanted more..I need to get a new job or start my company in the next few months.. and this is eating my brains out.. No.. its not the insecurity or the risks or whatever... its basically the fact that there are too many roads in front of me and i have to make choices and there is so much ambiguity... its putting me off.. maybe i am thinking too much..well with my brain i am surprised about this.. i need to get come clarity and make the step ahead.. until them i am going to be kinda confused in life..

I am going to be in mumbai between 21rst and 26th of February on a business trip. Looking forward to a change in the usual routine at work. This phase of my life presently reminds me of the time in 1997 when i had graduated from my engineering with a job offer in a company that i didnt want to work and having failed to clear my interviews for the coveted IIMs and on top of it having kinda lost someone i thot was the person..I learnt a lot during that phase in life and did come out a winner..I am confident i will get through this one as well.. Although, I wish life was much simpler..but then it would get boring. wouldnt it?...Heck!!... Ce La Vie.. and I am going to be a winner!!!!

It was the first week in singapore and I was checking them out. They were all over the place here.. Orchard road, Funan square, simlim square, little india.. All over i should say and they were really cool. Awesome to look at.. Some of them were sleek and charming. Some had the best curves you could ever find. It reminded me of the lines "some are born beautiful, some are made beautiful and there are some who have beauty thrust on them". Well every where i could see, I could definitely find some that fit in one of the categories.

I searched for a few days across all these places and even sought advice from my friends. As usual, you could hear each ones personal preferences and I didnt want that to influence my decision. So after a while, I started going out on my own and checking them out. Some were affordable and some were too cheap for my taste while some were just out of my league. I tried a few lines on a few of those that i found affordable. The reception was just awesome with some. Some just didnt cross the initial threshold that i had set up. I mean, how can i choose one with no personality. I had to make a decision fast.. I was in little india and was checking the norwegian ones, the finnish ones, the korean and the japanese. I finally decided on the korean. She was just beautiful. She was petite, had the perfect body and I felt really wonderful when i held her and ran my hands on her body.. I fell in love with her the moment i made her mine.

She was with me for the last 5 months every minute of my life here in singapore. She was with me at all the parties, she woke me up every morning. she was there when i talked with my friends, when i talked to my mom and dad and my sister. She was there when i got drunk at the clubs. she was there always with me. At first my friends envied me and then got used to me holding her when i talked to them. She connected me with some new friends and she was there ever ready to shout out when someone called on me.. She was the perfect companion one could ask for.

Alas.. my happiness was shortlived. This morning, she decided to leave me. I mean, i never knew this was coming. I had thought that she was going to be with me for quite a while, but she was fast. She decided it was time to move on and find someone else.. This morning as i was taking cab to work, she just fell out of me.. And I didnt realise until i reached my office that she was no longer with me and by then it was too late.. She has moved on.. on to someone elses life.. I was shatterred.. I didnt know what to do.. I felt very miserable but i did have somone to cheer me up.. But.. She.. She was gone.. She left me...She...She was my Samsung A800 mobile phone..I am going to miss her..

The author is now getting himself acquainted with a finnish model and waiting for the connection to click.

A couple of nights back, while i was reading a book in the hall, one of my room mates was watching this episode of American Idol. I had never heard of this reality TV show.. Well to be honest, I hate the reality shows.. they suck and i honeslty think my time on earth is better spent doing something worthwhile.. Anyways, they told me about this guy by name William Hung, who is a engineering student at UC Berkley. For all those who dont know about American Idol, here is some background i collected.. its like a show where they select the best singer who could be the next idol in the usa. So this guy, our hero William Hung goes for the audition and apparently sings so badly that the judges have a laugh over him.. it sounded funny.. apparently they created a website for this guy and also some remixes on the song he sang with no proper tune etc etc.. So I surfed the web and took a look at the website.. http://www.williamhung.net/..

I should say, even though the guy has no music sense what so ever. He has courage.. I mean. how many of us would have got on that stage and sang a song and dance in our own stupid way? He did it and at the end said " I already gave my best and i have no regrets at all !!!" .. This attitude is applaudable.. I wish I had this courage that he has, to accept what we are and to live life. .. I get so self conscious everytime i go out in front of a crowd... I wish I was as courageous as this guy.. His attitude is something i would idolize..

Monday early morning now and i dont feel sleepy. Quite exhausted.. A busy sunday it was. Spent the morning reading the Zen philosophy and waiting for my friend to clean up the room that i am supposed to take. Played a round of tennis after a long time and then started setting up my room and unpacking. It took me around an hour to get through unpacking around half of my stuff. I went out for dinner with one of my close friends who had come down to visit. Got back home only around half an hour back and with the double expresso fresh in my blood, finished unpacking. Just got another suitcase to do but my room is looking real cool.

I could have waited till tomorrow and done this but you see, me am this freak.. a total freak.. hate ambitguity, hate things to be left around for later.. no.. its not impatience, it could be perfectionism but i have grown over perfectionism.. I would rather call it spontaneity of a different kind, though not to that level that it would require psychiatric treatment..:) I have this real bad habit.. if i think of something, I have to get it done.. else i feel all frustrated.. I have sometimes freaked people out because of my intolerance to ambiguity... Are there people like me in the world? .. And man.. why am i blabbering like this early in the morning.. well thank the caffeine and i had to get this string of thoughts here so that tomorrow when i look at it, i can add more to dos to my list :)

I was talking with my friend from turkey and she was telling me how she managed to take a ride on the carousel in fontainebleau town. Man.. i had to kick myself in my butt.. When i was there, i used to postpone doing a round on the roundabout or carousel as the french call it. Its a real cool piece of hardware in the town center and was amazing. And here i am , that life gone by and not having taken that trip.. Maybe when i go back for the reunion in 5 years i will do it.. but who knows if this carousel would be there then.. That time i spent there has gone for ever and i missed an opportunity.. Spontaneity.. where the hell did it go then? This is not the first time i have left out a event that could have been a part of my life.. While in Pilani, Rajasthan during my undergrad, almost everyone makes this trip and camps out at the old fort about 50 kms south, in the town called Ketri.. I kept postponing for tomorrow and lo and behold, i have graduated and its almost 7 years since i graduated and i dont think i am ever gonna make that trip.. it would have been amazing if i had spent that one night with my friends there.. but it is not to be.. I kept pushing it for tomorrow.. and now i dont think i will ever get to do this...

So you see.. I have missed out things by not being spontaneous.. so u cant blame me when i feel that things have to be done here and now.. and not tomorrow.. But again, i have to learn to tolerate ambiguity cos certain things are beyond your control and they take their own course..Isnt this a contradiction? This reminds me of the line "little bundle of contradictions" from Anne Frank's diary.. She calls herself the little bundle of contradictions.. Well she is not mistaken.. i guess all of us Are a little bundle of contradictions in ourselves.. If we took a step back and looked at us and our actions, it might be quite obvious that we do have contradictions in out actions, thoughts and in everything we do.. We just try to provide an explanation to everything..thats all..

Well its late, and i am not feeling sleepy. have to finish unpacking this pending suitcase and somehow get to bed.. got to rush to office in the morning..

It was 12:00 noon. I was busy reading the article on private equity in India. My mind was elsewhere even when i was trying to comprehend the details in the paper. You know, people say that at most times we pay attention to what we are doing only about 30% and that is normal. well in my case, I should say i was not paying more than 15% of my attention to what i was doing. Mind is something that is so hard to control. It has its own way most times and i figured it the hard way and by now i realised, the best way to go about this is to let the mind be the winner else you end up feeling miserable anyway. So I let the mind win and it started wandering over hundreds of things that it felt were worth spending time on. As Robert Prisig , the author of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle maintenance says in "Its all in the mind" :-) and as one of my good friends would add on "and the mind does not exist". Come to think of it, is mind another one of our creations to give some form of identity to what we cannot comprehend? Maybe.. man kind has this unique ability to think of some kind of identity to anything abstract and lo and behold, we had the mind for all those things that seem to be associated with our sixth sense and thoughts.

My friends were talking to me about this movie called 21 grams which i am yet to see. Apparently the 21 grams is the difference between the mass of a live body and the mass of the same body without life. Does this mean, our mind or soul is worth only 21 grams? Its the equivalent of the weight of an average humming bird or the stack of nickels.. So when somebody kidnaps me later on , i would want anyone to pay a ransom of more than this stack of nickels :)) scary thought that is.. But something to think about.. value of life.. what is the value of our feelings then.. value of love, value of ambitions, value of what we have achieved, value of the desires that we have.. Well such were the thoughts in my mind.. And on top of this,, of course, my mind was also returning to this one journey that my chocolate box had not yet completed as well. This one has been on the back of my head on and off for sometime now.. Patience my dear friend...

Well anyways, my thoughts were interrupted by the phone call..It was the reception downstairs.. apparently somebody had walked in to the office asking for me.. My eyes lit up.. Maybe this was the sign i was waiting for..I locked my PC, just in case my boss walks in and finds out that i wasnt doing his work :D and straightened myself to get to the ground floor.. The lift took its time to come to my floor. Have you noticed how much time the lift takes to arrive when you so need it. I get in and the journey to the ground floor feels like hours.. The door opens and i see this girl standing browsing the booklets in the shelf. I couldnt see her face, she had wavy hair and there was some kind of a halo around her, i was imagining things here i guess. I started walking towards her , when somebody patted me on my back. It was this guy, the IT vendor with whom i had outsourced the website development for my department. What is he doing here now? I looked at him strangely and then looked at this girl standing just about 10 meters away. I asked him if he was the one who had called for me. he replied in the affirmative. I asked him again.. as I tried to move towards the girl, my mind was trying to control my actions and it was not ready to believe that I actually had been asked for by my vendor and not some girl with the halo. I put on the hypocritical smile on my face and with a genuine looking face welcomed the vendor to the visiting room. As i walked towards the cafetaria with the vendor, I looked back at the girl, she was not to be seen anymore. Was my mind playing tricks on me? If this were the kind of tricks its going to play, it definitely is not worth the 21 grams of nickels :))

Its been a quiet weekend so far. waiting for my house mate to clear out my room off his belongings so that I can move in. Got up quiet late since was out last night with friends at Bar None, my favourite spot in singapore. Got home at around 3 :00 am after dancing to Rolling stones, metallica, bon jovi and U2 to name a few bands whose song the band at bar none played. Not sure whats in store for the evening but maybe read a book and stay at home or go for a few swings at the driving range.

That reminds me, last week, i had my first round of golf at the course here with my coach. We like started off at 6:00 PM and i got to drive this cool cart falled the buggy. Quite cool it was. how hard you try, it doesnt go over 40 kms per hour and was fun driving it. My smiles however soon were not to be found as i started playing. The coach took me to the most simple hole with a par 3 and a total of like 140 yards of length. I felt like the gladiator entering the arena as i took stance next to the ball. I tried a few practice swings and it did look like i might do a good job. I was aiming for the birdie.. :-) come on.. i can dream cant i?? And as usual, the dreams came crashing down as my iron met reality. A huge swing i took and i did keep in mind the grip, the bend at the knee, the arch of the spinal cord etc.. but still managed to mishit the club and lo and behold instead of the ball cruising and landing on the green, it started rolling down in front of me and came to a stop after like 15 meters. Shit happens!! i told myself and gave a stupid grin to my coach. I was still hoping to do the Par 3.. All it needed was a hit to the green and a putt.. But noo,, that was not meant to be.. Another shot and this time, I forget to do the hand over hand movement and the ball streaks across at an angle of 45 degrees to the right of where it should be travelling.. Mann..ok.. i reset my goals,, i was hoping i will do this in like 4 strokes. so i take the strike again. and well this time i find the green but i already have made 3 shots. I walk down to the green and take the putting iron.. Walk over to where the ball is and do all those things u see the golfers doing on TV. crouch down and see if the path to the hole is straight or sloping etc etc.. And then i take the putt.. Dammit.. i miss the hole by a whisker.. and so i finish the hole in 5 strokes instead of three and that is a double bogie instead of the birdie.. Well.. atleast i did put the ball in the hole.. :-) next time there will be a birdie..

If there is one thing i dread, that is packing my stuff and moving again. I cant count the number of times I have moved since I was born. Never been in a single city for more than a few years at a stretch. The only exception was the 7 years i spent in Madras betwen 1987 and 1993. Having been born in the north east corner of India, i saw my first move when my eyes were hardly an year old. Through the next 20 years, we moved domicile like 6 times and our homes more than that. I moved out when i was 17 and ever since then, I have already moved domicile like 7 times and residences like 10 times or more..

I wish moving was much simpler. Like all i had to do was close my eyes and click a button and you are like beamed across with your belongings to the new place like they do in Star Trek. But no.. that was not meant to be.. Moving ritual starts with first identifying what needs to be thrown or given away to Salvation Army.. when i moved from the usa, I had with me 70 kgs of cloths and stuff and a huge Hi Fi music system, my laptop and cameras and I had to give away an equal amount of clothes to the Salvation army. The most painful part is sorting out what to throw and what to keep.. Should i keep this lucky white shirt or has it become too old?.. and I am one of those obsessive compulsive shoppers.. So I have like so many different dresses which i havent even worn once since i purchased them and of course cant throw away new stuff can i? and to top it all off, I dont like to throw old stuff cos of the nostalgia.. Man.. life is so difficult.. why do i have to make choices?

Well why am i talking about moving now? Well I moved to this new place and i havent even completely unpacked and settled down. Should be doing it this sunday and that is kind of making me a little scared cos I have to spend time on deciding which cupboard to keep the t shirts and which one to put the shorts in and then deciding on the lighting in my room and the stuff.. Man..moving sucks.. I really want to settle down in a place for atleast a while.. I look to the sky and all i see is the clouds , no answers..

Its like 5:00 PM now, almost 4 hours since i posted the last piece. My mood is much better and quite ready for the calm evening ahead. going to start reading Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. The wars in the sky is still on. presently the sun is shining and its raining at the same time, something like the mixed emotions one feels most times. I am going to go out and check for the rainbow. It reminds me of those days when i was a kid when we used to run out after each rain to search for the rainbow only to be disappointed most times. But those days when you actually see the rainbow, the feeling would be awesome. Wish i was back to those days, no responsibilities, not much pressures. of course the pressure to perform and be the best in school was there, but not like what it is now. And hey no complaints, I like the pressure cos i put them on myself :). But i wish i could just go back and relive those days. Growing up was fun oops.. sorry.. i mean "IS" fun.. who said i have grown up.. eww..no way!!! not until the day somebody calls me dad.. :) but then keep in mind even then its not mandatory..haha

I have in the past years tried to start a journal and maintain it. but u know its like the new year resolutions, just gets washed away after the initial push. Somehow, i seem to have taken a liking to this blog here. This place is amazing for one reason... it gives me the time to take a step back, look at what has happenned in the past since the last blog, reflect and relax.. and as the master card ad says, is priceless :-)

No body but me is to be blamed for the way i am feeling right now. Ok, you can give a little credit for the gloomy weather. After a great sunny day, the clouds seem to be winning the battle for the skies again. However, the actual reason for me feeling low in life is that I just finished reading Anne Frank's diary. Honestly, I shouldnt have read this book. I am that kind who stays away from tragedies cos i believe that if i am going to entertain myslef, let me feel happy in the end. Life as such is not a bed of roses, why make the few hours of entertainment make one feel bad. But you know, one thing or the other leads to me watching tragic movies or reading books like Anne Frank's diary. My friends warned me but so no one but me is to be blamed. I hope i will be able to get my mind off this in a few hours, else my sunday is spoilt. Nothing much one can do for what happenned so long ago and so far away, but one day i am going to visit the house where she lived in Amsterdam.