It was my 4th flight into the United States. I had just landed in Philadelphia international airport after a short vacation in India. Before I had left India, I had called up my friends and asked them to book a car for me at Budget rent a car. I stayed like 2 hours drive from the airport.. something like 60 miles atleast and wanted to drive through the nice fall foliage as it was around october and Philadelphia does get its Fall colors.

The flight touched down at 5:00 PM. It was a smooth landing and i was fast asleep thanks to the vodka orange juice i had had a few hours before. After completing immigration formalities, I call my friends up to get the car reservation number so that I can pick up the vehicle. Friends are always friends. As usual, they forgot to reserve the vehicle. Man!! What the hell am i to do.. I didnt want to spend a bunch of dollars to get a cab all the way down. So i take a risk and take the shuttle to the budget rent a car office.

A chilly evening it was and the jet lag was not making life any easier. I help myself to a free cup of hot cofee at the Budget counter and wait in queue. "Hi there.. I would like to rent an economy car".I say to the customer service guy with the biggest grin i can muster, hoping that would help. Actually i was hoping he didnt take that to be anything else in the city of brotherly love. :p "Can i have your reservation code please" the man at the counter asks. "Well.. you see...I dont have a reservation. but i am a frequent traveller in budget.. see this is my budget card.." I start to ramble.. He looks at me strangely. which was fair enough.and asks me to hang on while he plays with the system in front of him.. He tries for 5 minutes and gives up.. Apparently the system cant take in a new customer without a pre booking.. "What a stupid system.. who the hell couldnt have thought of a possibility such as mine... man.. people dont think out of the box..." I keep this thought to myself.. cos i desperately wanted to get home to my warm bed.. I ask him to see if there is any way he could get a car for me.. He disappears into the managers room for a few minutes.. Tough luck..."can i help the next one please". Hey.. you havent yet finished with me here..

I walk out of the line.. But no way.. I dont give up that easily!!!.. So i start to think and the fresh caffeine in the blood must have done the trick.. I walk to the pay phone in the waitng area.. Call the 1-800-BUDGET number and ask them to reserve a car for me to be picked up in the Philadelphia airport in 10 minutes.. I was hoping the system would accept this 10 minutes time frame.. And you bet it did..

And thats how i got my car that day. and boy, it was good to see the face of the customer service guy when i walked back to him after 10 minutes with a reservation number.. hehehe!!! Oh By the way, my brain doesnt work the same way anymore.. I just felt nostalgic. :))

What is sad is that its almost a year since i drove a car. The last time was when i drove my rented Peugot back to the airport in Paris.. I miss driving!!!

Change!!!.. The one word that scares, okay may be i am exaggerating, but definitely it does send cold shivers down the spine in quite a few of us. Yet we all know that change is the only constant event in the universe. To be perfectly honest, I get scared when i am faced with a change. Even though i have this huge urge to try new things, to visit new places, to let go.. i sometimes find myself pulling the strings and applying brakes when i change gears in my life. I have this strong apprehension that maybe this change is not what i want.. what would this change bring me to? where is it going to take me? It unsettles me quite badly first but i do bounce back.

Changes happen for the good or the worst. Sometimes they are forced on us, sometimes we create it, sometimes its just providence. What really matters is, I think ones ability to face the changes in a positive way and to work things out to ensure that we dont keep waiting for the next change to be happy. Even though i understand this, I do have my stupid superstitions which I follow to bring in a feeling of familiarity so that i feel good. I guess, internally i think that maybe following certain familiar steps would ensure that nothing changes or maybe the change would not be too harsh on me.. Sounds stupid doesnt it.. duh!! Dont ask me if it worked, but psychologically, it makes me feel good. I am sure all of us have this superstitions.. I have a list of them. This might sound right out of the movie "As good as it gets" where Jack Nicolson uses three soaps to wash his hands or locks his door three times.

For instance, when i step into a building or our of a building, or even when i cross the road, i always take the first step with my left leg. I have a certain way of placing things in my desk. If something goes wrong, the first thing i try to recollect is if i did anything out of the ordinary in the whole day. lol.. god know how thats going to change things, but makes me feel good. I like to keep the same pen or wallet until they become totally useless and then i am a little unsettled with the new objects for a few days until i feel satisfied that all is well. Before i head out, i ensure that that atleast one light is on in my room.. now i dont have a clue why i do this, but dont want to try going out with the light turned off.

Whew!! Life is So not simple. Is it? :-D.

Just three days out of touch with The Matrix and what does this Neo end up with..Trinity.. yeah rite.. if at all the controller loads the program called "walk in the clouds". Well In that case, i would be ending up with a cute Hispanic babe..and not Trinity... Anyways, getting back to the point.. just 72 hours of not logging in to the hotmail account does create a hell a lot of problems..

1. Mails from some dating site promising me really hot russian girls.. and man, the pics were really hot.. But I swear i never registered there!!! believe me!
2. Mails offering performance enhancement supplements.. Well.. i have a feeling there is a huge conspiracy going on here..I think all those folks whom i have insulted or in any way offended in my life have logged on to these sites and subscribed my email.. Or was it my ex girlfriend who was pissed off with me? Well in anycase with the amount of such emails that i get, i am beginning to have my suspicions on a few people..
3. Some emails were shouting the tagline for the movie Godzilla..
4. There was this really great "hi Sexy" email from a jennifer .. I was tempted to open it but then remembered what happenned to one of my friends laptop when he opened an email from Gabriella and her twin sister and for once, my head made a decision and my reflexes worked. Really, it was my friend who did it.. my laptop never had any problems..:)
5. There were numerous mails from the job sites that i had filled up my resume whenever i was pissed off that no one was offering the good old me a good job. Shucks and now i have to pay for that insolence... damn it!
6. In between all these emails, i found a mail from a ex colleague of mine who was getting married finally.. He had attached a picture of his invitation which was eating up the allowed memory in hotmail.
7. There were a couple of emails from the HR departments of some jobs that i had applied regretting that i was just not fit enough for them. Well I am running every night and fitter than i ever was.. how the hell do they know..
8. There were these couple of emails promising me reduction in hairloss and even regaining my hairline.. Man.. these spy software do also take pictures when i log on huh?
9. Apparently i had also won a trip to the Caymans, a rolex watch, a nikon camera, a trip to Australia, 1000 USD at an online casino.. I felt just wonderful winning so many prizes until i read the fine print in font size 5 which asked me to visit a few sites which were either porno or took me to a series of sites that would ultimately download some spyware on my pc.. Once i remember while in the US, clicking on one of these sites automatically dialed a 1-900 number. Luckily, i noticed it in a couple of minute and pulled the telephone connection off. Well, i ended up paying 18 USD for the couple of minutes.. learnt my lesson though it wasnt that expensive..

Whew... sifting through these emails and getting to the real ones is a pain.. SPAM really sucks.. but come to think of it, I now know what i should do to my worst enemies..:p

Bangalore...visiting it after 6 years. The trip so far has been not a great one for a number of reasons. Didnt have enough time to enjoy the stay and way too much work.

It all started with the stupid Indian airlines flight, Damn it! no entertainment for 4 hours. and the airhostess, just forget about them...not even worth mentioning. and i cant even sleep. They wake you up every 30 minutes to give you something to drink or eat. The funniest part was they were offering beer/whiskey at 8:00 AM in the morning. how the hell can someone drink so early in the morning? I am like ewwww... and the folks all around me are gulping can after can of beer. Dude.. ok.. its free. but does that mean you drink at 8:00 AM? shucks.. what has the world come to..

In the evening, i receive a letter in my room stating that since the Indian elections are on on the 20th, the city is going Alcohol Free for the whole dam period until the night of the 20th. Well, It hardly makes a difference for me as i have kinda quit drinking. But i pity my professor. poor guy, he cant live without beer and he has to spend the entire 3 days since saturday evening with no beer..

Meetings and meetings and meetings and no play really gets to you.. Well actually spent the sunday evening with long lost friends whom i am meeting after like 7 years. This one guy is married and he is all bloated up.. he says he gained weight after marriage. I dont understand.. how can u gain weight after marriage?? I never asked him that.. cos this is something I have heard most indian guys say.. blame it on marriage.. Is it cos you dont care how you look after you get married or just not letting go of the wifey and spending some time excercising? i have no clue and dont intend to find out personally any time soon..:p. As of now i am losing weight and there is more than one reason to that..

I am all tired and sleepy. Its 5:30 PM indian time and i have another meeting in half an hour. The flight is at 12:00 midnight and got an interview tomorow evening back in singapore..I am sure i am going to be all wasted when i get into the interview tomorrow evening.

Subtleness and me dont get on together at all. I cant be subtle and fail miserably whenever i try to be subtle. Its much better when i am so forthcoming. And on the other side, I just cant understand when someone tries to be subtle or for that matter provides hints. I am so damn screwed up when it comes to reading the signs. Most times i just cant seem to click on to the hints and in those cases when my brain seems to have read something, it usually misreads them and I end up making a big fool of myself.

Well I guess, me and subtleness are as far apart as whatever you want to compare it to. The problem is I seem to be missing a hell a lot of opportunities in life not reading the signs properly. Wonder when i am ever gonna get around this and make the most of situations..shucks..I really suck!!!

Anyways, I am off to bangalore tomorrow morning. I hate the early morning flights but got one tomorrow at 7:50 AM damn it. Should be back mid next week with any and all interesting stories.

Today is the last day of the Year as per the Tamil Calendar. which incidentaly means that tomorrow is the Tamil New Years Day. duh!!! These are the days that i really miss home.

My mom has this practice at home. Before she goes to sleep on new years eve, she would organize a huge plate in front of a nice mirror. The plate would contain what the hindus consider the three primary fruits which are jack fruit, mango and bananas. I have no idea why these three are called the primary fruits in my relegion. Well there must be some story behind it. Anyways, the plate would also contain the 9 different food grains and some pieces of gold, silver, jewellery, coins, and money. There would be a nice little lamp in the center which when you try rubbing a few times leaves you with a burnt finger but no genies.

The idea is to wake up in the morning, go before this mirror and see the reflections of the contents of the plate in the mirror as well as yourself. I guess the significance of this ritual is that you are waking up in the new year looking at your own face and at images of the riches and prosperity life has to offer. Well you could say that since you saw your own face the first thing in the new year, you cant blame anyone else for anything that goes wrong.. How so thoughtful..lol..just kidding..:))

Mom would wake up first and light this lamp and would wake us all up and I most times see her face first and then close my eyes. I mean, how can you remember to keep your eyes closed when someone is waking you up.. Then we will see the reflections of ourself with the promised riches in the new year. I think the best years where when i actually saw her face before mine.. so obvious isnt it.. :)

While in the US, i had friends to spend the new years with. We usually would go to the temple in the evening and my close friend and his wife would call me to their place where they would have arranged the mirror and the plate for me to see..

Its been ages since i woke up to this ritual and my mom's face. 10 years to this year it is.. Another year has gone and... I miss HOME and hate being alone. I sometimes wonder if i am giving up too much in pursuit of what i feel are my dreams. Well as they say, to win something, you have to lose certain things..But then hey, thats life :-) Happy New year folks.

I just couldnt resist posting this. Last evening my housemates were like watching this Miss singapore contest and i was in my room working on my paper. I couldnt help overhear the dumb beauty pagent questions and the dumber answers to them.. man.. a hearty laugh i had.

question : what dish would you prepare for the guy whose heart you want to win
girl thinks for like long time and then answers: I will give him a dish of mixed fruits and fresh salad as its very healthy..

oh boy.. to win a guy's heart she gives him mixed fruits and fresh salad..damn.. she has got lots to learn.

Next question: What would you do if you find out one of your fellow competitor has used unfair means to get ahead
she answers: I am a peace loving person and so i wont do anything..
yeah rite!!

Well this is just couple of the Q&A that i remember overhearing. there were lots more such answers.. Duh!!!! I am not a chauvinist, but I think this whole Q&A session in this miss blah blah contest is nuts..and all these girls have the same answer like they were sent on earth to save the world.. gimme a break..what are they trying to prove? who is the most beautiful looking and dumbest of them all?

Tattoos.. should i or shouldnt i.. been on my mind for ages now. Been in my head ever since i saw some cool tattoos on some people while i spent some time in the United states. Ever since then, i have been thinking if this tattooing is for me or not. Everytime i see a movie where the cool guy has some bad ass tatoo on his arm i am like, man, i shud get one. Once i went into the tattoo shop and was so close to getting one when i chickened out finally..

Its probably my way of starting to get the bad guy image. You see, right from school, i have been associated with this "sho shweet" category that i am getting sick and tired of it. I am getting such high doses of this myself that i have a feeling i might turn into a diabetic. I am not kidding on this one.. just ask all my friends.. And it has its own bad points.. There have been cases in the past where i fall for some girl and she is like.. kanags.. u are a sweet guy.. u are like my best friend.. and I go.. shucks there it goes again.. I end up being the nice guy helping girls in distress.. lol.. Maybe i was the one to be blamed here as well cos i was not ready to change status quo preferring to let things be rather than check out what the other side would be.. well i guess I am like this only.. Cant help it can I? So just thinking why not become the Bad Boy and see how this changes things.. just kidding... If they dont like me for what i am, tough luck. am not gonna change for that..its just that I just want to check the other side out. Afterall we have but one life.. So there you go try everything... A Tattoo is definitely something i should try..

What i am worried about is that its something that is gonna go with me to the grave and hence i dont want to make a mistake and get a stupid tattoo. So you see, its the question of finding the right one. Well I guess i must take the risk and see whats out there. I am sure the tattoo i want should be something abstract. what, i dont know.. got to figure this one out..

I have made up my mind to have a tattoo. I just need that final push to cross the rubicon. Will let you know how my metamorphosis into the bad boy is getting along..

A couple of days back, i was accused of living in a world of my own creation.

From what most people say and agree, any departure from living in reality is a move towards insanity. Does that mean I am Insane? :) Well, if you ask certain people, they probably would reply in the affirmative. However, does this mean that people who dream, who are imaginative, who are artistic, are insane? Well I am not insinuating i fall in this category either.

What is reality? Reality is what is around us. Reality is a struggle for existence, struggle for survival, struggle to realise the parallel universe one has dreamt about. Isnt this true? No, i dont mean reality is just a struggle, reality is what we are. its our existence in this dimension which is visible to the others.

Let me however talk about the parallel universe. Dont we all have our own parallel universe where we have our expectations built up. If you ask me, i think all of us have this parallel universe and we unconsciously always compare this to reality and make choices. The extent of how much this parallel dreamworld differs from reality varies across individuals. For a recluse who has given up all desires, the two converge with reality. He has stopped dreaming and in my view he is dead. For a person who has gone through too much of pain and has almost given up hope, the reality and dream world might be very similar. If he still hangs on to his hope of achieving some aspects of this dreamworld, he still dreams. For an insane person, the dreamworld is all that exists for he lives in that world. reality disappears. But again, question this. Why is this person insane? Just because he sees what others cannot see doesnt mean he is insane. Probably he is right and and everybody else is wrong. But our preconceived notions win and reality wins and he is deemed insane.

If you ask me, this parallel universe that we create is a must and a necessity. It IS the driving force that adds vitality to our otherwise mundane existence. I believe that the comprehension of this dreamworld is what makes us understand reality and helps us define our next steps. Without it, we probably would lose control of our lives and fall wayward. However, what one must guard against is letting this parallel universe take control of us and this is what i was probably accused of and i woldnt deny this. I do have the tendency to let events and others take control over me. I call this an intutive surrender :)

What is dangerous is not the the creation of the parallel world. What is dangerous is the non existence of this dreamworld, for that person has lost his ability to dream and hence a jest for life. What is dangerous is the absence of the ability to comprehend reality and modify the dreamworld, because if this does not happen, the person is on his way to insanity. These are the two extremes and we usually lie between these two poles.

The question one has to ask themselves is not Where they lie between the two extremes but if they understand where they are and act accordingly.

I was bought up to dream big. I was constantly urged by my folks when i was a kid to strive to be a winner, have lofty ambitions. you know the usual competitive stuff. So i grew up exactly like that. I dreamt and do dream big. I mean really big.. So much so that what is achievable easily puts me off. its not for me. Some poeple say this is not a good philosophy. Maybe i shud first pick the low hanging fruits and then try for the higher one. However, I disagree. Life is about choices. You have only one pick, you take the low hanging fruits, you dont get another chance..I would rather go for the other. I understand that aiming high means the fall when one misses is going to be pretty steep as well. Thats the risk i have to take and am willing to take and am taking.

But now, the same folks who bought me up to dream big want me to stop dreaming big. They want me to be "normal" guy like everyone else. All you need is a 8-5 job, marry the girl your mom finds and live life quietly suppressing everything u long for. Ironical isnt it? Too bad.. Sorry folks, I cant.. Its too late for me to change..If i do, i will not be happy. I will always think about the what if and that would kill me.

Well the other irony is myself. My ambitions are lofty, my dreams are high. Sometimes i wonder if i have misplaced priorities in life when i go for these dreams like an obsessive psycho with a tunnel vision. There have been cases when I have ended up dejected not reaching what i aspired for. Failiure is scary and I hate it. who doesnt? But am not a coward to not even give it a try. I would rather die trying than feel happy about not having failed.

You ask What my dream is? Its too complicated to write it down here in a few words. Its multi faceted covering all corners of my life - family, love, career, travel, lifestyle. I know the end, i am just searching for the way, searching pretty hard. I sometimes Wish following ones dreams is as easy as dreaming.. The road is just aint a bed of roses. Nay, I am not asking for a bed of roses. I am just asking for a break.. its time for "my time".

Yet another goof up.. no three actually.. I had this meeting this morning and I get to office like 9:45 AM cos i got up late which has its own reasons..yeah rite.. dont get ideas.. just couldnt sleep till late. Well anyways, rush to office and i see everyone giving me strange looks with a smirk. I am like.. uh hoh.. the first thing i checked was the fly.. I have made that mistake a couple of times.. going to office with the fly open. well, luckily this time it was all locked and secure.. So i begin to wonder..

and boy, whats wrong with this world. Cant anyone tell me why they are looking strangely at me.. I go to the restroom and then it dawns on me.. I had buttoned up my shirt all wrong... and.. my hair or whatever is left on my head is all over the place.. and.. there is this cream of nivea that i had applied on the couple of spots i had cut myself while shaving staring back at me in the mirror..
shucks!! It cant get any worse can it?

Insecurity should not be mistaken with lack of Confidence. We all feel insecure some points in our lives. I have met people who tend to act aggressive because they are just basically insecure with their lives. I am not one of those definitely. If i have learnt something in life that is nothing is what it seems and however you enjoy the present, its not going to be the same tomorrow and man, am i happy if it stays the same tomorrow.

For me insecurity leads to anxiety and stress but what it does to my confidence is something strange. It actually makes me feel quite confident and gets my adrenalin rolling to face the challenge which is quite good. This doesnt mean i dont feel down at all. The instances when i feel down cast are not when things dont go as i intended them to but when i am lost as to what the next course of action is. However this phase is not for long cos usually every problem has a solution. However, i do have my times where i feel insecure and this is when I have started on a new direction with no idea of what the outcome is going to be.. This means, i have not thought through the scenario but then, how much can one think through all possiblities. If i keep thinking through this, I am sure life just moves on and i would be left stranded just thinking.. So my moments of insecurity, however fleeting they are do exist. However, they are ususally topped with a full measure of confidence that i ride these phases pretty well.

So you see life is indeed a the complex web of insecurity, confidence, anxiety, challenges, disasters, victories, jubiliation and sadness. In the end, what matters is when i wake up tomorrow, i feel fresh enough to face this with a smiling face. And when you are complemented for that smile, the insecurity does vanish.. it really does.. trust me. :)

My tried and tested recipe for Anxiety/Stress : Trust me it works..

Ingredients:
1. Read lots of philosphical books and stay awake thinking about the inner meanings of these.
2. Fall ill and lose the mobility to do something that keeps you occupied. This reinforces previous point. Go to a doctor who conducts all kinds of tests, cough up money for these only to realise that you are perfectly healthy and something else is wrong.
3. Start searching for the dream job that is nowhere to be found.
4. Get dings from all those whom you applied to a job. They trickle in slowly and steadily always promising to record the resume in the database :-). Man i must have filled up the database of all known firms by now
5. Call up home and listen to mom and dad talk about duties and responsibilities as a son who is of marriageable age. Also add stories of successful failiures of relatives who were intelligent and who reached no where in life. i am sure my folks mean well but then the recipe gets interesting :) But then.. they dont realise they are talking about intelligent relatives. Hardly do they realise that me dont fit in that category.
6. Not know how and when to say a "No" without hurting the other person. This is a serious issue. how will i ever learn?
7. Watch movies that are even more gripping and tragic than your own life.
8. Stop inbibing alcohol.. man.. this really kills you.

Preparation:
Honestly, i think this is one of those recipes where in one can fry, steam or bake the above ingredients in any order and in any quantity they need. lol. :)

Antidote:
I am still trying to figure out the concoction for the antidote. All help would be appreciated. :-)

Fool's day.. I sometimes wonder if this day was named just for me. Some are born fools and some are made fools, but i guess i belong to that category on whom foolishness just keeps getting thrust on. I used to be the Fall Guy of my group. Actually, i guess nothing ever changes, I always have remained the fall guy. I just cant understand why me.. But it just happens..and u know i never do learn.

In my undergrad days, I remember once my friends made up a fake meeting at 2:00 in the noon and made me walk all the way from my hostel to the lawns just because they knew that this meeting had this girl whom i had a crush on and there you go.. me got ready and all worked up and ended up walking in the sun getting a good tan and arriving at the lawns to see my friends waiting there with a huge smirk on their face. That was just one incident. I can think of numerous ones that I have fallen for.

I guess My other name is Mr.Gullible.. :) I fall pretty easily and pretty hard at that.. So what can i say..its in me. and its wonderful that we have a day dedicated to us. Afterall, as Mark Twain said "Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed".