Alexander Pope wrote in his work "Eloisa to Abelard".

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

Incidentally i took some time to read through this 350 line poem which i understood very little of except that its a romantic one. The language used in these poems is of the 18th century and i didnt have the patience to decipher them and hence all i have is a half baked knowledge of the work.

The movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was absolutely amazing. I couldnt get to sleep after watching it and spent hours thinking about the metaphorical reference to what happens in our lives. I am still..

Cooked dinner at home after almost 10 days. It reminded me of the first time i tried my hands at cooking and so i decided to pen it here. It was the spring of 1998 when i was with Infosys that me and a few other colleagues decided to take a house with a kitchen. Me, the loudmouth had been boasting that i can cook well. Well whats the harm in saying that? I never intended to put to test my so called culinary skills and in fact never anticipated that my housemates would put me in a situation where I would find no escape. It so happenned that these house mates decided to purchase a stove one fine day since we had kitchen in the house and some time to spend in the evenings.

So one day i go home and lo and behold i find myself looking at a brand new stove, some utensils, lots of onions, potatoes, rice, a cooker, some spatulas, spoons, spices, tomatoes, chillies, mustard and a kilogram of cut chicken. I was speechless when I was asked to get ready within the next 15 minutes and give these guys a taste of my cooking. They wanted a chicken curry and fried rice.

Man!!!! How do i tell them that I had never cooked before. All i know of cooking was watching my mom do it in the kitchen when i would be sitting on the other end eating tit bits like the cut coconuts etc. I knew that if i say that now, I would get my arse kicked so bad that i cant imagine the rest... So I decided that the best way out of this soup i was in was to actually cook. I can always blame the stove or the new utensils or something else for anything that could go wrong.

Well since i was being made the chief chef, i decided to throw some weight around. we will worry about the consequences later i told myself... "Mr X.. hey you cut the onions into small slices okay..and you Mr Y.. rinse the chicken thoroughly. And you Mr Z.. clean the rice and put it in the cooker" I decided that it would be wise if i also do something cos that might reduce any kind of punishment later on when things go wrong.. So i lit up the stove, and took the tawa and heated some oil.. Threw a handful of mustards in the oil when it was heated. I love to watch the mustard burst in the hot oil.. its cool isnt it.. Well so i played with some more mustards for a while all the while explaining that more mustard is good for health.. Then in goes the cut onions..Hey.. dude where is my chopped garlic and ginger.. Dont have a mixer, so cant make paste... will have to make do with the finely chopped ones instead.. Then after a few minutes, in went in some salt, turmeric powder, some green chillies and a few chpped tomatoes.. And it went on.. dont want to bore folks with my home recipe for curry chicken.. The curry chicken in fact turned out pretty good.. It tasted okay and nothing was burnt and the chicken were finely cooked..

The problem was with the fried rice... You see when i put the cooker on the stove, I was following what pictures i had in my mind of watching my mom do.. She would rinse the rice to remove all stones etc etc.. Then she would put it in the cooker and then put the whistle on.. Well I did the same.. But after like 5 minutes the cooker's safety valve blew and i could smell something burning... Ooops.. I took the cooker off the stove and opened the lid.. The rice inside was burnt.. I didnt understand.. well I didnt have a phone to call my mom and ask her.. Then my housemate came in asking me what was burining.. He saw the cooker and gave me a kick in my arse.. incidentally I forgot to add water in the rice.. :))

Well so there we were with a bowl of chicken curry and a cooker that cant be used again and no rice. I was getting some real hard and cold stares. I couldnt get myself out of it cos there was this one guy who knew that the rice needed water in the cooker to be cooked.. Cant get out of this one.. so i kept my mouth shut.. :)

Well we did manage to get to a hotel and get ourselves some rice to eat with the chicken in the next hour.. I didnt stop boasting about my chicken and never mentioned the rice... And i dont cook rice any more unless its in the microwave. :-)

Nowadays, its quite okay apart from the mess once in a while when i cook dal and they get over cooked or the potatoes get slightly burnt cos i am watching something on TV..Atleast no one has sued me so far and that is a good sign.

It takes a lot of courage to not only face the truth but also accept it. I am definitely not a coward and so I accept..I accept certain aspects that i have been trying to force on myself are not going to work. I accept that what i am is what i am supposed to be, designed to be and i would be more happier if i was that rather than trying to change it.

Linkin Park sings: "I tried so hard and got this far. but in the end it doesnt really matter".. I questioned myself... does it ot does it not. I wanted to be the person who could say it does not..I really tried hard to face disaster and say okay.. it doesnt matter.

But no.. I realise that I belong to that "It does" category. I belong to the category that believes that "I tried my best.. wish i had got it" is something that is for losers. For me, It matters. Did i Get what i tried for not? In the end if i did not get what i aim for and for which i give my best shot, I have failed in that. And that is something hard to digest but not indigestable. There are a few potions that i know that helps :-)

I do understand that Failure is a part of life. If it were not there wont be lessons to be learnt. I do learn my lessons from my failures. Sometimes it takes more than one try to learn what my mistakes were. I did not get there for a reason and finding this reason is what is important so that the next time you get what you want. I realised that failures in most cases is not because you didnt try enough, but because you tried too hard rather than letting things take the time. Things happen when they are meant to be. What i cant do is, I cant sit back and say I tried and it doesnt matter that i didnt get it. I do accept my defeat but its not in my blood to do nothing about it. I can fail once, twice, thrice.. hell it can be any number of failures but I live to WIN.

Its very easy for Rudyard Kipling to have written "If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same". Its very tough to live by it. I am the happiest when I meet with a triumph and I am dejected when i have a disaster in front of me. However, the dejection for me does not mean the end of time, it does not mean I have given up. It does not mean I have nothing but sadness facing me. I do go through those emotions but I get back. What I have been trying was that I tried to do away with this feeling of dejection. Tried to take it easy and forget it.. kept telling myself it does not matter.. That was a disaster. I realised by doing that, I have been losing my biggest motivation factor. Result. I was worried and unhappy. This feeling of dejection is my motivation to not give up. Its the factor that says to me Next Time you can get there. The fact that i dont give up is my strength. I do rue my lost chances, but they are not for long. What i have is the courage to accept that i did fail, understand why and I have the will power to get on the feet and try again because I know that I was not born to be a loser!!!

Lesson learnt. Learnt that its better to be what you are rather than try hard to change something thats not supposed to be. Also, Never again am i going to say to myself it does not matter. It does matter you fool!!! You know what you want. So get your arse back on the road and try harder while understanding that there are things that are beyond your control.

I listened to one of my favourite songs after a long time.. Gene Kelly is just awesome in this song. "Singing in the rain"

"I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
'Cause the sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love
Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I'll walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
'Cause I'm singing
Just singing in the rain."

It is a song that if i listen to , god knows for whatever reason makes me happy. Incidentally its raining now here in Singapore.

I have had some movement in my job search and have an offer from a firm here. Not everything is finalised, but i have a part time offer till end of june with an option to convert to full time.. not a bad start.. a small light at the end of the tunnel. At least something to latch on while i wait for the results of the host of other interviews.

On the other front, i have decided to spend some more time studying. So i have signed up for the CFA exams in december. Dont ask me where i got this brain wave from. I have been having some idle time and i have not been spending it constructively and my brain seems to be hyperactive and i would rather study than let my brain be idle cos i have had real bad problems whenever i let my mind be idle and wander.. it really brings out the worst in me.. so there you go.. my solution to a lot of my problems.. well some people might call it Escapism.. but then this is my way of being active. Feels kinda wierd to get home and start studying for an exam :-)

Right now, i am having this incessant attack of sneezes.. Started like 5 minutes ago when i finished cleaning up my room. Man, its hard when you try to clear the room off all specks of dust. I dont think i have been too successful cos i still can see some dust floating in the room. Guess i will have to leave the room to let the dust settle down and come in for another round a while later. Shucks.. this is bloody hard work i say..But gotta get it done. Atleast keeps my mind from getting back to its state of stupid "what next" sequence of thoughts..

Finished reading the book "The curious incident of the dog in the night-time" by Mark Haddon. Cool piece of work. Reminded me of as if Sue Townsend of the Adrian Mole series and J.D Salinger of Catcher in the Rye came together to create this one. Started on the "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel.

Nothing much to add. Life is going on as it wants to and am going with the flow for now. I am trying to stop worrying too much cos after all not everything is under my control.. Shucks..Here comes another sneeze.. Excuse me!! Will see you in a few days time when something interesting turns up in this otherwise mundane existence. oh btw, i started listening to Linkin Park.. Cool songs..

"I tried so hard and got this far. But in the end it doesnt even matter... ".....does it?

I finally get to office feeling all fresh and revitalised with a good nights rest. Its 9:30 AM and i take my seat and start the day with the usual check my mails routine. I hear this rather meek "meow" somewhere around me. I stop typing take my hands off the keyboard and stay still. All i hear is the silent hum of the AC pushing in some air through the pipes above and the PC's fan rotating to keep the over used processor cool. Nothing else. I presume that my mind is playing tricks on me and get back to my typing. How can it be.. i did get a good nights sleep and was not dreaming as i usually do. I was working for a change..

Few minutes go by and again i hear the meek but distinct "meow". This time i am sure its not my mind. Am not that crazy yet. There was a definite "meow". It sounded like a kitten. I stay still not making any noise. I give a strange look at the chap sitting in the next cubicle if he is playing any prank on me. He does not look like someone capable of playing pranks. Is there a Cat in the office? I take a look around. Look under my tables, the few empty cubicles around me. Walk to the corner where there are a few boxes stacked and start checking over there. I spend like 10 minutes looking every where possible. Hell, i even opened my cupboards. Dont ask me how a cat can get into a locked cupboard but you never know what can happen. do you? So why take a chance with anything. I again hear the distinct meow.

I just cant place the sound as to where its coming from. The Phd student seems to have woken up to the sound as well and he asks me if i got a cat to work. I assure him its not one of those "Get your pet to work" days and that i dont have a cat. He gets back to his work. But i cant.. what if there is a poor cat in the office stuck someplace and is looking to get out. I spend the next few minutes seaching all the spots again. I then walk over to the next set of cubicles where there are a couple of other colleagues and ask them if they heard the cat as well..and what do i get.. A big roar of laughter.. Man.. what the hell did i do? I was just concerned about a poor little cat..

Well it turns out, one of these colleagues has set up her PC to issue a Cat's "meow" when a new mail arrives. Damn!! Cant they think of a better way of alerting themselves? And all i could do was stand there with a stupid grin on my face.

I am going to get back at them.. I am right now searching for a Dogs Bark.mp3 or better something that would really get back at them.. How about a Evil Scream.mp3? Any and all help will be appreciated!!!

Its bloody hot in singapore. Cant think of heading out on the weekend and my affinity to getting heat strokes makes it even more difficult to get me out of my house on the weekends. But then sitting at home with nothing to do bores me to death. I dont even have any new books to read. I have to get a few tonight when i get out to go to visit the temple.

Watched the movie Kill Bill Vol 2 finally friday night. Tarantino is just awesome in this second part. Its a little bit slower than the Vol 1 but still its worth it. Watched Troy and man, its a waste of money i should say. First, the movie should have been named Achilles cos the entire movie is more about his life than Troy. Secondly, i was surprised to see blue and green eyed blonde greeks. have u ever heard of blue eyed blonde greeks? unless they are the born-again type.. Man.. dont these hollywood producers and directors know any better. Helen was a green eyed blonde in the movie. As per Homer, the author of Odyssey, she was a dark eyed dark haired beauty. The trojan war took seven years and in the movie it takes place in 15 days. and apparently Achilles is killed by Paris.. it was horrible watching such a parody of a great epic and to top it all off.. there was this couple next to me who were like going "tch tch" whenever there is a war scene.. and this girl starts crying when Hector of Troy is killed by Achilles.. man.. was it that sad?? and i cant even move to another chair cos the cinema was packed.. What all i have to endure to watch a stupid movie..

Looking forward to what the next week is going to bring cos i really screwed up last week on every front. Even the movie!!!

For once, i get on to the blog and i am lost as to what to write here. My brain is preoccupied with a few things and i am going to be busy this coming week.

The past week has been quite happening and busy. My adrenalin had been so pumped up because of the things that are happening in the professional front that i ended up getting the flu the past couple of days. On the personal side, life has never been better. On the whole, i am saying touch wood!!!..

The present phase of my life reminds me of the line from Charles Dickens' The Tale of Two Cities. "It is the best of times; it is the worst of times!" Its been a while since i realised that life is a roller coaster. If you have been in one you might remember that the first ascent to the top is one of the slowest part of the ride. When you take the first steps towards anything new, the going gets tough and the journey is so damn slow. But the moment you reach the top, the thing picks up so much speed that the before you realise, the trip is over and you would be getting off the coaster to take the next one. Well its such an apt analogy if u ask me for things that happen in life.

Sometimes you get on a roller coaster that you like so much that you wish that this particular journey never ends. But then do i sit here wondering what lies beyond the next crest or enjoy the present moment in the ride. Its a tough question isnt it. Anyways, i am definitely enjoying the present. The thought of tomorrow worries me, but then will see tomorrow, tomorrow.

Last saturday, watched Satruday night fever with some friends. Really cool stuff. I had longed to watch this musical in Broadway in New York but then things never worked out. Finally see the musical in singapore with the Aussies truope masquerading as John Travolta and the Swinging new yorkers of the 70s. Too bad mate..that their Aussie accent did slip out once in a while. However, it was worth it cos i love the Bee Gees.

Watched the movie Van Wilder.. loved it.. The indian dude in this movie is awesome. Saw another american flick called Win a date with Tad Hamilton. Now.. i know, this is going to bring in a set of comments from someone i know in the middle east.. Dude.. i will explain this in person okay!!! Gotta watch Kill Bill Vol 2 and Van Helsing this week.

Straight into the chaos. Now what next? My target is right around the corner. A total of 30 meters seperate me and the goal. I had decided to raise up to the challenge. Well actually there is no other way. I dont have a choice. I am in the chaos. There is just one way out and i need to get there safe and sound. The lives of 4 people depend on my actions in the next few mintues. there has to be no lapse in concentration.

There is not one but a host of adversaries. I dont dare to count them cos that would mean a change in objectives. My adversaries swarm in from 6 directions and each of them is probably feeling the heat just as i am at this moment. I ignore the constant buzz that is in the air outside of my immediate surroundings.

My adrenalin rushes as I get ready to make my move. I mutter a quick prayer within my head not daring to close my eyes for even a second. I look to my right. A quick glance to my left. My feet are doing the tap dance and my hands are in perfect control while I inch forward towards my destination. Its been a minute since i moved into the swarm. There seems to be not let up as the swarm seems to swell and i still have 25 more meters to go..

A car just moved in from the right trying to get in front of me.. A quick jerk of my hand to the left and i squeeze in between the peugot and mercedes in front of me. Whew..That was a close call. I continue the tap dance between the clutch, brakes and the accelerator as I try to get out of the round about around Arc de triumph on my way to the Champs Elysses.

It takes a total of around 5 mintues, but it seems like a life time. Squeezing through a host of cars that are trying to get in as well as a host of others that are trying to get out into the nearest exit doesnt make life any easier. However, soon Champs Elysses looms in front of my eyes and i press the gas pedal as i move into the widest avenue in Paris, probably in the world.

In my view, driving in the circle around the Arc de Triumph and on the Champs Elysses in Paris is one of the best driving experiences one could ever have. The round about is supposedly the largest in the world with 6 roads converging. There is absolute chaos. At the peak hours, one could have 50-70 cars in the circle at any point of time trying to move from one the 6 roads to the another. And you definitely need a hell a lot of aggressive driving along with patience to get out of this chaos with no marks on your car. There was none on mine. And now, i got to look out for the parking spot.and that is a challenge in its own right.

Have you ever seen a hopeless optimist? Well all you have to do is see me. No really.. I am not kidding. I dont know why i am like that, but as they say somethings never change i guess even after repeated hurts to the ego and heavy falls.

Whenever i start anything new, I believe i am born for exactly that. When i started to learn the guitar, i imagined i am the next Eric Clapton. yeah rite!! imagine that!! I sure sound like a megalomaniac dont i.. :p It didnt take me long to figure out where i stand. When i started to learn skiing, I was like man.. this is so cool.. I can get to the red slope in like 2 hours.. So i started off in the green slope like this cool skier i have seen on the TV shows.. Well i did go forward for like 5 seconds,, picked up some speed and before u know, i was going all over the place and ended up topsy turvy in one pit in a corner with my legs over my heads.

When i hit the dance floor for the first time, I thought i was a John Travolta. I was really thinking i was cool when the girls were gawking at me after a while. Little did i realise what their snickers meant. but then who cares :p. When i started drinking for the first time, i had to prove that i had the capacity to really take in a lot of alcohol.. and where did that lead me.. I did manage to drink quite a bit but then the next two days were so screwed up, i never touched whisky for 5 years after that. It doesnt stop there,, everything new i start, i kick it off imagining i am the best there is..

I wonder where this sense of hopeless optimism comes from. But it does have its benefits i guess, in the end, i know where i stand and the fall to reality isnt quite as bad as it looks like. Good things do happen sometimes..atleast there is that hope.. After all whats there in life if you cant dream. :-)